This world, this culture has defined "normal" as people living together, having multiple partners, having affairs during marriage and having a divorce or two or three. Normal is spending too much time working and not enough time with your wife and family. Normal is kids with no fathers. Normal is.... (you fill in the blank).
We don't want to be normal. We want to stand out against the gray and mediocrity of the world. We want to stand for Christ, for a Biblical worldview, for a life lived in joy and abundance because of our relationship with God. We want to stand for sex within marriage, for a strong sense of value in our spouse's eyes. We want to stand for a marriage where we want to be together, to do life together, where conflict is managed and used to strengthen our union. We want to stand for an open home and for open hearts to those struggling in our community. In other words: We want to be WEIRD!!!
It is definitely a journey and we have a long, long, long life ahead of us. We invite you to walk alongside us and see how our weirdness pays off in the future.
I found this blog, and I think it's absolutely beutiful that you guys are taking life the "weird" way -together in your union with everything 50/50.
ReplyDeleteBut I got a question for you: how would you consult a friend - help them to cope - with their marriage that is one sided?My friend has been married for close to a decade I think, and entered marriage with putting God at the center of it. The thing is the spouse (and this is a hetero couple, btw) hasn't worked throughout the entire marriage, occasionally plays with their kid, but generally spends time playing video games, is on the computer, and sleeping.
My friend's tried confronting the spouse, asking for help around the house, with bills, to make the family unit a UNIT. Apparently the spouse said that it had to be all or nothing from the spouse or my friend, not sharing the responsibilities fo the marriage.
My friend wants to stay in the marriage because of the commitment made by my friend, but the families on BOTH sides are saying, 'End it. You deserve a marriage, not another kid that should take care of what they got but refuses.' My friend's looked all through the Bible seeking guidance but comes up empty, and hasn't been able to get "counsel" from anyone not affected by the marriage directly or related to them. How can my friend follow God in such a physically and mentally damaging situation - one that my friend says makes it hard to hear His Voice?
Hi Tori, glad you found the blog. We're always happy to have new readers.
ReplyDeleteSince you said that this is a hetero couple, I will be referring to your friend as the wife and the spouse as the husband.
The Bible's pretty clear in Ephesians 5:25-33 that Husbands are to love their wives as Jesus loved the church. The husband is the head of the house and as such should be the provider, the protector and the spiritual authority. This requires action and strength and tenderness. I am a firm believer in that.
Since this husband has not stood up to his place as the authority and provider in this house, this is obviously undermined your friend's respect for him.
One thing that Brianna and I have tried to build in our relationship is that each one of us is responsible for our own emotional and spiritual wellbeing. This means that I have to be spending my time in the Word, that I need to know why I am in a funk, that if I take it out on Brianna (in a tone or impatience or something like that) I have to deal with it myself. I am responsible for my own happiness. Your friend has the responsibility then to deal with her own self first. I know that there's a lot of bitterness and unforgiveness in her heart. That's going to require a lot of prayer and time.
Obviously I don't know the whole story. My biggest suggestion is that she find a Pastor or a Christian Counselor to start seeing. If the husband won't come with her, then she needs to go herself.
I haven't read it yet, but I have heard that Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerich is a good book for marriages.
There definitely needs to be action on the husband's part. He needs to get off his butt and enter into the role that he is called to. Life is a bigger adventure than any video game.
Tori, know that you and your friend and your friend's husband are in my prayers. There is hope.
Hi Tori,
ReplyDeleteYour friend’s situation makes me very sad. My heart feels for her. I’ll be lifting up this girl in my prayers!
If I were to give her any advice, it would be this:
PRAY!!! Above all else that she does, PRAY! God is the only one who can show her the absolute right thing to do and how to do it. I would strongly counsel her to get into her prayer closet for as much time as she can every day and seek God. Ask Him for wisdom, ask Him to give direction on what to do, ask Him to really work on the husband’s heart, etc. Proverbs 3:6 says, “Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.” If God says this in His word, then He will be faithful to it. Seek Him and He’ll show her what to do.
I agree with JC that since the husband is not acting like a husband, it has most definitely undermined your friend’s respect for him. I would really counsel her to be praying about this too…. asking God to help her forgive him, to help her find reasons to respect him, help her to act in love. I haven’t read all of “Love and Respect” yet, but I have read his second book, which deals with communication in marriage in light of the love and respect principles, and I know that it is filled with examples of couples in nasty situations where they applied these godly principles and saw a complete 180 degree turn in their marriage. No, a book is not a fix-all… but I think Eggerichs has done a great job of taking those biblical principles of how husband/wife relationships should look and making some really great easy-to-understand guides on how we can do this… how we can live it.
Side Note: First read Ephesians 5:33 in the Amplified Bible, “However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [ that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly].” You’ll find this explained better in “Love and Respect” but I just wanna highlight it for your friend quickly… The Bible says to respect your husband, but you don’t “respect” your hubby based on his behavior if he is acting out, like he is. You don’t tell him, “Honey, I am so proud of you for being lazy and for not taking any interest in me!” That’s just stupid! Respecting your husband doesn’t mean that you turn a blind eye to his behavior and pretend everything is all wonderful. That’s foolish and doesn’t do a thing to help the situation. You respect him by your actions in how you deal with him first. That includes things like not interrupting him if you’re discussing something or having conflict, it means not talking down to him or belittling him, it means that you don’t nag him like he is your child, and so on. Another way is to do your best to find something.. anything… positive and bring it up. “Honey, thanks for grabbing the mail from the mailbox for me” or “Thanks for taking a moment to play with little Bobby, it really means a lot to him. He really looks up to you.” Find an opportunity to ask him for his input or advice in a situation and actually listen to it… These are just the examples I came up with off the top of my head, but really, get your friend a copy of the book, get her to check it out and give it a try. I really think it might make a big impact on your friend’s marriage. (If God put those principles in His word, obviously they work or He wouldn’t have said them!)
ReplyDeleteOh, and Tori, the best things you can do for her through this is to pray for her and with her, and be an encouragement to her. Help her to persevere, even when it seems the hardest. Help her find some reasons to smile and be joyful in spite of it all. Listen when she needs to vent, be a shoulder if she needs to cry, but don’t let it become a “Bash (insert husband’s name) Day”. Do your best to be a godly friend, no matter how the situation turns out. God is faithful, He’ll see your friend through this if she (and you), leans on Him.
Your Sister in Christ,
Brianna
This is one that I think I can comment on. I'm kinda in the same situation, and Brianna and JC are right - the best thing you can do is to pray on it, and telll your friend to pray on it as well. I personally have utilized my marriage as a means for furthering my relationship with God, and my husband is in the secondary role...partly because he's admitted to having some kind of mental disabilities, and I'm not sure what's going on with your friend either.
ReplyDeleteIf your friend is the wife, then she may want to consider counseling (preferrably a Christian counsel, not a non-Christian one because they inevitably will tell her 'divorce the guy'). This is something that should absolutely supplement her praying. There's not a whole lot of options as a wife that she can take without ruining the marriage. This is something that God's put into her life, and above all things she (and her husband) should be following God's will. Hard as it is to put him at the head of my marriage (because I know it's been hard for me, I'm fairly strong-willed).
If your friend is the husband, then he should be in charge of what they as a family do, and encourage his wife to do more things to help around the house, let his wife know that she can include thier child with the computer and playstation games she plays (my husband occaionally lets our son play racing or Spiderman, and I'll let him help me with my games that I play on the computer, but I'm also getting some games for him for Christmas that I can teach him to play that has nothing to do with the PC or PS - keeping in mind the key is patience). He can even consider getting rid of the things that are taking his wife away from the family unit (get rid of the internet and donate the Playstation).
I've never read the book that Brianna and JC reccommended, but I'll reccomend "After God's Heart" by Myrna Alexander (it's a bible study from 1 Samuel), and "Faith is the Answer" by Norman Vincent Peale, D.D. and Smiley Blanton, M.D. (a minister and Christian psychiatrist), which contains a chapter on love and marriage (ch.8, and this book I've only partially read, and haven't yet gotten to that chapter yet). And although my husband is not a strong Christian, he presented me a book that I'm also going to reccomend - "Exceeding Gratitude for the Creator's Plan" by James P. Gills, M.D., which I haven't read yet either but my husband says that it has made a huge impact on his faith.
Please know, and let your friend know that I'm praying for her marriage. Look me up on Facebook and I'd be more than happy to friend you and your friend, and give him/her any type of friendly "counsel" (I at least have nearly 5 years of marriage under my belt), be another shoulder to share, let me know on there. :)
Dear Tori,
ReplyDeleteI found a site where couples in the same situation as your friend can find a forum to vent and get help from other in the same situation. You could check it out and see if it helps. It is not written from a Christians perspective however, it shows that your friend is not alone in this and gives some helpful practical advise. I hope it helps. Remember to Pray about everything. The website is adhdmarriage.com
Wish I had more time right now... but I love what you guys are doing here. (And I've considered "Weird" a compliment for many years now.)
ReplyDeleteGod Bless You Both!